Welcome to Paradise (It Sucks) Episode 1: What Happens in Vegas is Why I Won’t Be Going Back to Vegas

[00:00:00] Hey everyone, thank you so much for waiting patiently for the release of my new podcast Welcome to Paradise It Sucks. The day has come, and to be sure that everyone gets a chance to

[00:00:10] check it out, I've decided to release the first episode right here for all our subscribers to enjoy. While sometimes weird, sometimes humorous, and at other times, quite creepy, there's something here for everybody with Welcome to Paradise It Sucks. It's a wacky ride of an episode about a

[00:00:27] Vegas vacation gone wrong. Don't expect your typical Let's Not Meet format here though, I'm working with a team of wonderfully talented people at Cloud 10 that have all helped to produce something unique and quite different from my usual shows. I think you're really going to like it.

[00:00:44] If you head over to your favorite podcast platforms like Apple or Spotify, you'll be able to subscribe and listen to Episode 2 right now. We decided to release both episodes on the official Welcome to Paradise It Sucks feed together, so make sure that you follow or subscribe to Welcome

[00:01:02] to Paradise It Sucks today. For now, enjoy the show. Hi everyone, I'm Andrew Tate and you're listening to Welcome to Paradise It Sucks. This show is all about hearing real people share their

[00:01:17] real and really awful vacations that have gone horribly awry. Today we hear from Eric, just your average guy taking what he assumed to be an average honeymoon with his newly married wife.

[00:01:31] That is until they immediately set foot onto what was to become the worst vacation to ever exist. This is Episode 1. What happens in Vegas is why I won't be going back to Vegas. I lean forward and I get real close and I whisper in the guy's ear,

[00:02:04] you are going to take me to my fucking hotel or I am going to kill you. We probably should have just stayed in for the whole time. That's Eric. After five years with his girlfriend Lindsay, they decided to get married. He had just

[00:02:24] finished grad school and she was still in med school, so they didn't have a lot of money to throw around for a wedding, let alone some fancy honeymoon. We were already in debt and we didn't

[00:02:33] want any more and we wanted to start saving for a house. On their wedding day, Lindsay's parents surprised the couple with a generous gift, a trip to fabulous Las Vegas. Three days, two nights, flights included, all expenses paid. We'd never been before and probably never would have gone.

[00:02:51] Vegas isn't really our vibe, you know, but it was a very generous gift and later we found out that they'd gotten it for free at some scammy real estate seminar. And so after a direct flight out

[00:03:02] of San Francisco that was delayed by only three hours, Eric and Lindsay landed in Las Vegas and they went straight to their room, both because they were tired and because they were horned up newlyweds. And they remained there for about 24 hours, ordering room service and doing, well,

[00:03:18] you know, honeymoon stuff. It also wasn't like the nicest hotel. We only left the room when we absolutely had to. Some dudes in the room above them had a bachelor party. Somebody dropped a

[00:03:43] cigar, started a carpet fire, and sent smoke and water into Eric and Lindsay's honeymoon hideaway. The hotel graciously offered to move them to a new room, but it wouldn't be ready for another hour,

[00:04:08] two at most. Eric and Lindsay had some codis interruptus time to kill and did so with some free vouchers to play around in the hotel's dingy, moist, smoke-filled casino. It was all just sad

[00:04:25] old people pumping quarters into slot machines and they were all branded slot machines like Baywatch CSI, I Love Lucy. The only place not occupied by chain smokers where we could like sit and play

[00:04:37] slot machines was this row of empty Big Bang Theory slot machines. So did they strike it rich on those Big Bang Theory slot machines? Bazinga. Where they're all of five minutes and Lindsay just

[00:04:49] keeps on winning over and over. All in all, Lindsay won about 120 bucks. Not bad for a half hour's work, but that's where Lindsay's good luck would end and by extension so would Eric's. This couple,

[00:05:11] they look like they're about our age. They come up and they sit down at the other two free slot machines in our little room. Me and Lindsay are laughing, you know, going Bazinga! So they come

[00:05:19] up and they yell Bazinga! And we get a little embarrassed and we explain that, you know, we're on our honeymoon, we're having fun, and we won a little bit of money. The male half of the duo,

[00:05:31] who says his name is Preston, remarks on what a coincidence that is because he and his companion Sage are also celebrating their honeymoon and they just won a bit of cash on the Andy Griffith

[00:05:42] show slot machines. They ask if it's our first time in Vegas and we explained that the trip was a gift and we didn't really know what to think of it all. And Sage says that they also had their

[00:05:52] honeymoon paid for by her parents. What are the odds, right? Pretty high. Because Preston and Sage were parroting back everything Eric and Lindsay told them, as if to build trust or even confidence. As in, confidence man. Yeah, looking back there were a lot of red flags. They just

[00:06:12] repeated back whatever we told them. Honeymoon. They were also in grad school. They also had a free trip. The only big difference between Preston and Sage and Eric and Lindsay is that this other

[00:06:24] couple had been to Vegas before. A lot of times, in fact. And they said that they knew all of the good spots. We were trying to politely excuse ourselves from the slot machines and Lindsay muttered something about dinner. So Sage rattles off like, you know, 10, 12, like really great

[00:06:40] restaurants that we should check out. And we're like, OK, sure. Yeah, thanks. We'll look into those. But we really just wanted to get back to our room. Guess what? The room wasn't ready.

[00:06:54] The so, so very sorry front desk clerk said, how about some buffet vouchers? Fine, Eric said, because it's not like they had anything else to do. It wasn't one of those huge Vegas buffets

[00:07:12] with the steak and the lobster and the crepe station, you know, it looked like a hospital cafeteria, boiled ham and mashed potatoes, heat lamps. We were definitely the only people in there under the age of 80. Eric and Lindsay found what they could stomach and found a booth.

[00:07:29] They started to choke down their dinners when they heard two voices in unison say, Yeah, it was Preston and Sage each held two full plates of fried shrimp and fried chicken without asking. They were sitting in Eric and Lindsay's booth boxing them in. We just sat there

[00:07:47] and we looked at each other with our eyes all wide and sad while these two went on and on about Vegas while they sucked on chicken bones and they crunched down on shrimp tails. They were

[00:07:57] eating the shrimp tails. It was all very gross. Finally, Lindsay feigned illness, said she needed to get back to her room as soon as possible. Preston and Sage reluctantly stood up and let

[00:08:08] our newlyweds go, bidding them adieu. Eric and Lindsay fast walked out of there and right back to the front desk where they were greeted with the sad news that their room still wasn't ready.

[00:08:23] Before they could scream, cry or react, Eric felt a tap on his shoulder. Guess who? They had followed them and asked why they looked so defeated. Eric explained that their new room

[00:08:38] still wasn't ready. So they offered to take us to a show, said that they had four free tickets and that two would just go to waste if we didn't use them. Eric and Lindsay looked at one another

[00:08:47] and silently communicated in a way that in-sync couples do, as if to say we have nowhere else to go. So we feigned politeness and said we'd love to go to a big fancy Las Vegas show with them.

[00:08:59] Oh right on. What show was it? All Sage would say is that it was quote an erotic journey through the senses. Lindsay asked if it was Cirque du Soleil and Sage said yeah totally just like that.

[00:09:12] Excited about the possibility of seeing a Cirque du Soleil show or one of the many knockoffs regularly staged in Las Vegas, they summoned an Uber on Eric's account since Preston and Sage

[00:09:24] had the tickets. Plus the ride would only be about five minutes to get from one end of the strip to the other. We just kept driving away from the strip. The city lights start to fade.

[00:09:35] We're getting a little bit weirded out at this point, a little scared. They still won't tell us where we're going just that it's gonna be fun trust us. After driving past a Las Vegas city

[00:09:45] limits sign, the car finally stopped at a ramshackle wooden building with a mostly burned out neon sign on the roof. I couldn't tell what it was called something about a zone. Preston and

[00:09:57] Sage jumped out of the car and ran in, dragging in Lindsay and Eric by the hand respectively. The place is a dump but at least it's dimly lit. Sensuous synth music played out of the overhead

[00:10:16] speakers not unlike what one would hear at Cirque du Soleil but then the show began and it was decidedly not Cirque du Soleil. Oh it was a live sex show just a couple people up there on the stage having sex. The stage lights go

[00:10:33] on, the house lights go out and a couple of naked people walk out and just start going at it mechanically joylessly I would say and like not making any noise whatsoever. Eric admittedly as

[00:10:46] square was freaked out. Lindsay even more so. Enough was enough. She gets out her phone and she texts me we gotta go call uber. I start to do that on my phone under the table but then Sage

[00:10:58] sees Lindsay trying to text and grabs her phone away and says the bone zone is a now phone zone. Ah so it was called the bone zone real classy joint. Yeah so we just sit there watching two

[00:11:12] real life people have sex right in front of us. My leg is shaking I'm so nervous which Sage tried to calm by placing her hand on my thigh that made me flinch and I stood up really fast. I looked down

[00:11:24] and Preston's got his arm around Lindsay and is trying to pull her chair to get closer to him. It was at that moment that Eric's phone miraculously dinged alerting him to his idling uber outside. Without a word they run out and hop into the car.

[00:11:48] The good news it's the uber that they ordered. The bad news this uber driver had a purpose, a mission rather. He said he drove uber to rescue folks from houses of sin and dens of iniquity.

[00:12:03] He'd pick people up coming out of strip clubs and stuff and then he'd drive them straight to his church out in the desert where they hold all night masses and give instant baptisms.

[00:12:12] And it was at this point that Lindsay realized she didn't have her phone. Sage had swiped it. Could we swear on this podcast? Yeah sure. Lindsay starts screaming she's got my fucking phone!

[00:12:24] She's got my fucking phone! And that is what sends me over the edge. I mean the hotel, this creepy couple, they take us to a sex show, we got kidnapped by this zealot with a hero complex

[00:12:37] and I get real close and I whisper in the guy's ear you are going to take me to my fucking hotel or I am going to kill you. I mean I wasn't gonna kill him but you know it worked. The driver muttered

[00:12:51] sorry, made a u-turn in the middle of that dark desert road and drove Eric and Lindsay back to their hotel without saying another word. Just as silently Eric and Lindsay walked up to the desk.

[00:13:10] The clerk sensing danger or discomfort handed them a new key card and room assignment and they were on their way. They fell into the beds and sighed and then they heard a knock through the door.

[00:13:30] They heard a muffled Bazinga. They had found them. I opened the door with the latch on so they couldn't come in because I figured they'd try to force their way in. They were beaming totally

[00:13:43] pleased with themselves. This wasn't nearly as cute as they thought it was. I asked how they found us. We have our ways, Sage said way too flirtatiously. I told them we were exhausted and

[00:13:54] that they needed to go and to leave us alone. They actually left. Eric and Lindsay didn't get up to any more honeymoon hanky-panky because their flight left in about 10 hours. They slept, woke up, stuffed their belongings into their suitcases and headed downstairs to check out. They headed

[00:14:13] to the casino's little greasy breakfast spot to grab a bite to eat before they left and you would not believe who was waiting for them. Yeah, Bazinga. Preston and Sage actually said that when they

[00:14:29] spotted Eric and Lindsay. Well, they said they wanted to apologize and to buy us breakfast as a way of saying sorry and to give Lindsay her phone back too. So you know we had a nice breakfast,

[00:14:40] nobody really talked much. We were so dazed and upset and tired that we didn't really notice when Preston got up to go use the bathroom or whatever and then so did Sage and then we were alone.

[00:14:52] Eric and Lindsay each checked the restrooms for their new vacation friends. They had split, of course, but not without a final indignity of a dine and dash. Eric and Lindsay would have to pay for their own breakfast. We couldn't actually pay though because somebody had stolen my wallet

[00:15:12] and Lindsay's purse. Bazinga. They frantically explained to the manager what had happened and he was very understanding if not also understandably peeved. He agreed to put the meal on their hotel

[00:15:25] account which meant that they had to go back over to the front desk. Eric and Lindsay explained the situation, how their credit cards were missing and how they had likely been stolen by this

[00:15:35] obnoxious couple that had befriended them. He was like, oh did they say their names were Preston and Sage? I said, yeah. And they said they were married and that they knew all the good spots in town?

[00:15:46] Yes, I said. Yeah, they're not any of that. They're a dirtbag brother and sister from Henderson and they do this to people on vacation all the time. They befriend them, insinuate themselves, freak them

[00:15:56] out at a sex show to get them distracted. A manager asks if they stole our phones too and we say yeah, they got Lindsay's phone. It was then that Lindsay realized Sage or whatever her name was

[00:16:08] Oh, their real names were Kevin and Darla. Had not actually returned her phone. I asked if there was anything they could do and the manager said yeah, we call the cops every hotel on the strip has but

[00:16:19] they never seem to be able to catch them. I wondered if this wasn't an awful lot of trouble to go through to snatch some wallets and the manager said yeah, well some people are just bored assholes.

[00:16:31] Oh, and Eric and Lindsay missed their flight. He had to plead with the airline to let them on another plane going home and then had to call the bank to cancel his debit and credit cards. Lindsay still

[00:16:44] didn't have a phone but as the saying goes, what happens in Vegas, bazinga. Now it's time for everybody's favorite segment, Andrew's Travel Tips where I, Andrew Tate, give you some helpful tips and tricks on how to have a happy and healthy vacation. Everyone here at Welcome to Paradise

[00:17:32] hopes that you enjoyed this tale of a wild and stressful honeymoon in Vegas, not seen since the 1992 Nicolas Cage Sarah Jessica Parker comedy Honeymoon in Vegas. But what did we learn today?

[00:17:45] What lessons can we take from this tale of woe experienced by Eric and Lindsay on their vacation gone awry? Let's review. Number one, don't cheap out on Las Vegas. You've already saved up some

[00:17:58] cash to come correct to Sin City. Wait a few more months than planned and have some more money socked away because as far as Vegas rooms and buffets are concerned, you get what you pay for.

[00:18:11] Eric and Lindsay's hotel room was cheap. Hell, it was free and it was awful and so was that buffet. You're worth it. You're a Vegas person. You're not a Reno person, are you? Number two, in dealing

[00:18:27] with problems with hotel staff, be persistent. If there's an issue with your room, get guarantees about when the problem will be fixed. Don't just leave it up to them or it'll never get done.

[00:18:39] In other words, don't let them screw you. Get what you paid for. Get an exact time about when your room will be ready. It'll put a fire under their butts. Barring that, whine and complain and

[00:18:52] you just might get something free. You can even lie and say that it's your birthday. They're not gonna check. Number three, don't talk to strangers. Yeah, sure, visiting a new place is a great way to

[00:19:06] meet new people and make new friends but are you really ever going to see your vacation friends again? Enough to risk meeting some genuine nutballs? Just stick to yourself and the loved ones whom you've brought along and that you allegedly want to spend time with. So don't talk

[00:19:23] to weirdos that you don't know but if you do, definitely don't let them talk you into going to another location in the middle of nowhere because there can and definitely will be some weird sex stuff there. That's a guarantee, listener. Number four, don't patronize branded slot machines.

[00:19:43] Come on, you're better than that and if you're going to live that Vegas life, put on a nice suit or a slinky dress and go to the roulette or baccarat tables. Sheldon and the Big Bang will be

[00:19:54] waiting for you in syndicated reruns when you get back from the fantasy world of vacation. Bazinga! Thank you for listening to Welcome to Paradise, It Sucks and don't forget to write a review

[00:20:13] wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps out. While you're at it, follow me at Let's Not Meet Cast on Instagram for more updates on upcoming episodes and check out my other shows, Let's Not Meet a True Horror Podcast and Odd Trails at crypticcountypodcasts.com or wherever

[00:20:30] you get your podcasts. If you want to hear your worst vacation story on the show, please email us at welcometoparadiseitsucks at gmail.com and until then, maybe don't go on that trip to Vegas just yet and for God's sake, don't play that Big Bang Theory slot machine.

[00:21:02] Thanks for listening everyone and don't forget to subscribe, follow and leave us a review on the official Welcome to Paradise, It Sucks feed today. See you next week for a brand new episode of Let's Not Meet a True Horror Podcast. Stay safe!